What Do You Say to a Friend Putting a Spouse in Memory Care?

The most important words to say to a friend putting a spouse in memory care are, “I’m here for you.” They need to hear words of support and may need help, although they might not know how to ask for it. People often feel guilty after moving their wife or husband to a residential setting, and knowing friends and family understand their decision can help them accept it.

Many people find that friends fade away after their spouse receives an Alzheimer’s disease or dementia diagnosis. Often, friends are unsure of what to say or worried about taking up their time, making it easy to disappear. Your friend still needs support and a social circle. Avoid probing questions that may put someone on the defense, and do your own reading to understand what memory care is and how it will impact your friend’s life.

Having some background knowledge can help you feel more confident when listening. Remember that although you may have your own opinions, they remain the expert in their spouse’s experiences. More often than not, it isn’t about what you say; it’s about how willing you are to listen. Let them know they can talk to you about their emotions and concerns. If you’ve had a similar experience, opening up about it can help them feel secure enough to share their feelings.

A spouse moving into memory care means your friend is moving away from being a caregiver and moving back to being a spouse. It’s likely the free time and loss of a partner in the house may cause them to experience some depression and sadness. Gently suggest activities you can do together as they readjust to a life that isn’t solely focused on caring for their spouse. Your friend will still want to visit their husband or wife in the memory care community. Offering to take them to the community can be a practical way of providing assistance.

You could also offer to visit occasionally so they don’t feel guilty for taking time away. However, not everyone wants to take a day away. Suggest that you’re a fresh set of eyes to ensure their loved one is being cared for. Many spouses say they’ll worry if they don’t visit, so accept their decision if they prefer to visit. Finally, make sure your friend is looking after their own health. Depression and anxiety are common after significant life changes. They can take a toll on a person’s physical well-being, so encourage them to see a doctor and maintain healthy lifestyle habits. Help your friend seek professional help for any mental health concerns.