How Do You Tell a Loved One They Are Moving to Memory Care?

Expert opinions vary on how you should tell a loved one they’re moving to memory care, with approaches usually depending on an individual’s personality and understanding and acceptance of their condition. It’s often helpful to discuss matters with other close relatives, your loved one’s care team, their physician and memory care staff before deciding the most suitable method.

Depending on the circumstances, you may choose to clearly and lovingly explain the benefits of moving to a specialized memory care community. Alternatively, not telling your loved one the whole truth might be the best course of action; indeed, some experts recommend therapeutic fibbing, also known as compassionate deception, when communicating with people with dementia.

If you decide to tell your loved one about moving to memory care, plan what you will say, who will be present and what general information you will share. Choose a time when they are calm and there will be no distractions. Explain in simple terms that they are moving to memory care and why, while being careful not to overload them with information.

Maintain a calm and upbeat tone, reinforced by warm body language, and focus on the positives of residential memory care. Reassure your loved one that they won’t be forgotten or neglected. If your relative voices concerns, listen to them and do your best to express understanding of their emotions. If frustrations are visible and tempers flare, do your best to redirect and calmly stick to your preplanned message.

For individuals with mild to moderate memory loss, involving them in the process as much as possible may soothe any fears. For example, you may discuss what personal items they wish to take with them. Conversely, knowing too much can cause distress for some people.

You may choose to give limited information about your loved one’s move in order to ease the process for everyone. For example, some experts suggest giving an excuse as to why your loved one should temporarily stay in a different place or telling them that their doctor has ordered the move.

Sometimes specific wording can make a difference. Instead of using the term “nursing home” or “dementia unit” use alternative terms such as “like a hospital” or “you are going to receive therapy to get stronger.” It is also important to keep all care partners on the same page. If you are using the term “hospital stay” or “therapy”, make sure everyone sticks to the same language when talking to your loved one.

Timing also matters. Don’t tell your loved one too far in advance about moving, as this can potentially cause greater anxiety and stress. People living with dementia often do not remember specific words used but do remember the emotion they felt during a conversation.