Question
My mother is caring for my father, who's failing fast. My brother and I want to bring in hospice care, but my mother gets angry whenever we suggest it and accuses us of giving up on Dad. The doctor has made it clear that Dad is dying, yet my mother seems to believe that hospice is going to somehow speed up the process. Any suggestions?
— Anonymous Caring.com community member
Answer
Expert Wendy Wank is a palliative care nurse practitioner at Hospice by the Bay, in Larkspur, California.
Many people who've never had experience with hospice have misconceptions about what it means. Like your mother, many people believe that involving hospice in a patient's care amounts to a death sentence or that their loved one will die more quickly or won't be properly cared for.
Hospice care does not accelerate the dying process. In fact, some studies show that people who receive hospice care tend to live longer than those who remain in the hospital.
Nor does hospice care mean that your father will simply be left to die. He'll be well cared for at home or another comfortable setting and given medication to relieve pain and other symptoms. The hospice will also provide your father and mother and the rest of your family with spiritual and emotional support, as well as practical help with financial issues and other details.
The hospice approach to death and dying is based on the belief that a dying person will be more comfortable outside of a hospital setting, where he can die in comfort and peace, with those he loves around him.
Of course, your mother's resistance to hospice care is likely a form of denial. She wants to avoid the reality of your father's impending death for as long as she can. This type of wishful thinking is common. Hospice representatives will help your mother come to terms with your father's death and provide bereavement counseling after it occurs.
Perhaps your father's physician could talk to your mother about what hospice care involves. Or, if your mother is receptive, you could arrange for a hospice nurse or representative to sit down with your mother and tell her what to expect.
It might be particularly helpful if someone your mother trusts who has used hospice services could tell your mother about the experience. Most people who turn to hospice during the death of a loved one are eternally grateful for the support it provides.
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answered:
I am currently caring for my husband?s grandmother in our home. I have 2o plus years as a nurse and caregiver in the geriatric and hospice fields. I have had to advocate hospice care for many . This is not easy expecially with a generation of people who have survived so many things. I honestly believe the best way to do this is lovingly. Take your mom to an area where she is comfortable. This area needs to be far enough away from your dad that she will be certian he will not hear the convesation. It seems that many believe that a paitent hearing the word "dying" gives up. It can also be hard to loose your spose because you are next in line.
When you have found such an area. Let her know some of the things you appreciate about your dad, include in these things beliefs your father shared you, things that both your parents provided. Tell your mom how much you are going to miss your dad, and how much you love him. If you find these things to be true. If not just skip to the next step. Which is factual, and often goes something like this:
"Mom, dad hasn't wanted to eat for along time now."
"I know I was thinking I would make him ____,it was always his favorite, maybe he would like that"
"Mom in order to live the body needs food, if you don't feed the body it will die."
"That is why he needs to eat, I just cann't find anything he wants to eat. I keep getting him his favorites, but he takes one bite and he is done. I don't know what to do."
"Mom dad is trying but he is tiered, I know your trying too, look you are exahausted. Mom I wish you would let us get some help. So you could be dads wife not his nurse. He needs you to be his wife now."
This often ends with the spouse crying sense they have often forgot they are a wife, or husband they have struggled so long and labored so hard to end up where they never wanted to go. They more times then not feel as though they failed, and /or feel betrayed by the spouse for failing to respond to their care. But the very sad truth is that people die, everyday, people who tryed eveything, people who do nothing, people with a positive attitude, and ones without. They die and the best we can do for them is be there hold their hand meet them where they need to go, and treat them with compasion. Ask your mom if she believes her husband would want to be the one wearing her out or the one hold her hand. Cry with your mom and cry with your brother, love eachother. This is a raw emotional time respect what each of you need and be your fathers daughter. With deep sympathy,
Deb
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