placing a parent in a nursing home.

If this is about your dad and his needs - is there a way for him to get back into the nursing home he loved?  It is rare that people love the nursing home they are in - and if he is comfortable with each sibling making the trip every couple of weeks so he has visitors weekly - would it be best for him?   He may be feeling as much a prisoner in his own home as the family is a prisoner to his care needs, bad for everybody and then getting along with each other isn't as easy either when no one is happy.  Have you tried a family sit-down with him and find out what he really wants to do?

Thats a good idea, to ask him what he wants.  I mean all of us together.  I don't think any of us has actually asked him point blank.  I have tried to talk to him,  I knew this was coming with no care,  I carefully asked the questions what will you do if no one can be found?  He got mad at me,  then he cried.  I told him we did not want to toss him in a nursing home and forget him,  we did not work so hard to get him to this point to throw him out.  I think the nursing home that he was in knew,  they loved him,  But the admissions lady told me, everyone deserves the right to go home and fail,  so she knew.  I wondered at the time I was against him coming home,  I didn't think we were prepared for all that was to come,  another sister shared those feelings.  But two said they will fill the gaps when the care giver wasn't there.  Bad thing to say,  I find the caregivers are not there on their scheduled times very ;often.  We all work.  We all have children.  None of us are rich.  None of can afford to make our homes handycapped equipted.  his home is,  we had it all made handicapped for him,  ramp, bathroom, door sills,  One of my sisters got a grant for 10.000.00 so it paid for it.  WE can't find anyone willing to live with him.  He has had two different people there,  one said she couldn't handle it anymore, to much,  and the other one is just now leaving she can't take it,  he kicked out her boyfriend,  told her to make a choice him or the boyfriend so guess who she picked.  I buy between 120.00 and 160.00 dollars worth of groceries every two week for him,  my husband doesn't know.  they whold time he was in the nursing home,  I was the one who drove, used my car my gas,  I bought candy and little things for him every week about a hundred a week I spent.  I am exhausted,  I am done I have no ;more.  two of my sisters don't have decent cars to make the trip so I drove.  Had a van and there were 7 of us who went every week.  He is very demanding of us,  I know he tries not to,So I took a tour of a home near me five minutes from me,  good reviews on it,  I really liked it I put his name on a list,   To me its a safty issue,  he is blind,  can't walk,  has a cathiter,  and has no control on his pooping.  He had a stage four bed sore,  so that is a potential disaster waiting to happen,  so he must be turned at night three or four times so someone has to live with him,  I guess one of us could divorce, leave our jobs and tell our kids goodbye,  but I don't think that fair.  So we live with guilt, remorse and wonder if god will punish us when we get elderly.

Wow, I feel your pains....I have struggled over what's best for my mom as well. She is in great shape physically though, with her it's mostly mentally. I have entertained the thought and then dismissed the thought with other options. My mom simply detests and vows never to set foot in a nursing home.

In your case it's a bit different ,your step-dad wants to  go but the family seems against it. If you ever come down to the actually considering putting him in a nsg. home, it might be much easier to do so knowing that's his wish. However, as far as the guilt part goes ask yourselves if you had a desperate wish...would you want it honored or not.  With dad though, I'm also wondering is he just telling you guys that he prefers a nsg. home out of all his angers/frustrations and does he truly mean it?

Regardless, this is a big decision and should be handled with care. If this helps at all...let me share a bit of my experience of working as a patient care assistant in the nursing home. I've had many sane elderly people tell me that they were contented at the nusrsing home because they didn't want to be a burden on their family. However most of these patients were also patients who recieve frequent visitis from their concerned family members and felt they could air or voice any problems to their family members who in turn were able to adress the problems/concerns with the director of nursing or the administrator.

In my opinion the key to placing your parents in the nursing homes is "very frequent visits" and also doing the "pop-up visits". This way that patient (mentally) tends to get labeled on the nsg. home VIP(treat the patient with quality care)  list my many personnell, if you know what I mean. Not to say this is true in all nsg. homes...just bare in mind that this is what I've noticed based on MY experiences. I often times felt sorry for the elderly patients who had no families or seldom recieve visitors, also the ones who could not communicate thier wishes or concerns at all. Some families hire sitters or again as stated before do the freq. visits and the home works out as a great option.

I always tried to make up for the less fortunate ones by treating them with extra tender loving care. I can't say that the feeling was as mutual with others. As with anything in life their are the good and the not so good....just being frank.  Also, trust me those decubitis (bed-sores) are nothing to play with and can transit to other stages. Make sure your dad is getting the best of medical attention for those sores and it's great that you guys are keeping him turned/mobile in bed.

If your dad is yet at home and things "pan" out ....I hope that a media is met whereas dad and the family both are able to get along fine. You could also consider hiring a private sitter that does respite care to relieve the family  members and give them a break. Have the sitter do only part time or flexible "crucial"  hours if the family can't afford a big expense. Home health aides may even be covered thru. his medi. insurance....check it out if you haven't already. Well, that's it and I hope this helps a bit and God Bless.