Family Advisor

I am a 56-year-old registered nurse. I took time off work to care for my 81-year-old mother when she was dying of lung cancer. I had little support from my husband or my siblings: "You're the nurse" was their attitude. I was very close to my mother and talked with her every day. But I feel my care for her was inadequate and I wish I had done a better job. I was emotionally and physically a wreck by the time she died. I miss her so badly, it's ripping my heart out. She was a young 81 and was not ready to die, but she accepted it. Why do I feel like I'm 10 years old? Is this normal? And if not, how do I fix it?

Many people who have given their lives and hearts to caring for a parent have asked me, "When will I feel like me?" Honestly, you'll probably never feel exactly the same as you did before. Caregiving changes you. And even if you aren't a caregiver, a parent's death is a milestone in life -- even more so when a person is as close to a parent as you were...  Read more

My dad has been a handful all his life -- prone to making demeaning and very sarcastic remarks. I am his oldest child, and my mom and I took the brunt of this as I was growing up. Now he is almost 90 years old and has vascular and frontotemporal dementia. Since my mom died four years ago, my husband and I have been his primary caregivers. I work full-time, so my husband does the yeoman's work -- taking him to the doctor, shopping, and so on. Dad has been in a retirement home for the past two months, but there are still things to do for him. My sister lives two hours away and comes down about four times a year, just for three or four hours at a time. My dad has recently started taking some meds that have evened out his temperament a bit, but I still can't help being resentful of him for the way he treated me. I'm also resentful of my sister. What can I do to get over this?

As surprising as it may seem, you can actually do a lot if you can view this situation as an opportunity...  Read more

My mother moved from Orlando (where I live) to Miami about eight years ago when she remarried. She died three months ago, and she had a certificate of deposit in trust for me that she gave me a copy of about six years ago.

When I went to the bank recently to change the account to my name, I found out that the beneficiary was changed to her husband's name only a couple of months before her death. I have reason to believe this change was done illegally and that she was not the one to sign it. She was in failing health and had dementia, diminishing her mental and physical abilities to make such a change.

The bank suggested that I call her husband right away and ask about it, but I chose instead to write him a letter. I never mentioned anything about the legality of it; I thought maybe he would just give in and give me the money.

He wrote me back and was very nasty: He called me a bad daughter and said that is why the change was made...  Read more

My parents have been divorced for more than 20 years. My father remarried and was still living with his second wife when he passed away recently. His wife says that his kids are responsible for his funeral bill. But he never even paid any child support to our mother to help out when he left. Who should be responsible for his funeral expenses, his kids (all over age 35) or his second wife?

Your father's wife is misinformed. His estate is responsible for the medical bills and funeral expenses. And in terms of your emotional well-being, paying for your father's funeral expenses won't repair your relationship with him -- or prove that you're a good person. So don't fall for this if she implies that that's the case.

Here's how the billing works: Creditors make their claims against the estate and the estate pays what it can. If there's no money in the estate, or the funds have all been paid out, creditors seek payments from insurance companies and/or Medicare...  Read more

Do I have any rights in determining my care and who is guardian over my life? Family interactions are making it impossible for me to determine who's involved and the extent of their involvement. Family members will not discuss these important issues with me -- I can't seem to get any solid, reliable answers to my questions. I need a referral to someone who can help me find out what's going on, someone with whom I can discuss these life issues and feel safe.

There is a man who was given guardianship over my affairs, but he will not sit down with me to discuss this, and I am not certain if this guardianship is still in place or not. I just need information about his responsibilities to me, if he is my guardian, and to what extent can I remain an influence in the control of my personal issues.

I am in desperate need of medical and dental care, as well as vision assistance. When I ask this man about seeking medical attention for severe muscle and joint problems, the questions go avoided and unanswered...  Read more

My grandmother's son has guardianship over her and has placed her in a substandard nursing home in Indiana. He claims he placed her there to teach her a lesson, so that maybe she will do what he says. She’s miserable and wants to go home. My grandmother feeds herself and isn't disabled. Yes, she forgets things sometimes, but who doesn't? I don't want my grandmother there and I'm willing to go and get her to live with me in Las Vegas. Is there anything I can do?

Yes, there are a couple of different approaches you can try. I would recommend doing them in tandem. While you do, stay focused on what's most important: making sure your grandmother receives good care, whether that's achieved by her living with you or living in a better residential facility.

The ideal outcome for you is that her son has a change of heart and agrees to allow you to care for your grandmother. If you haven't tried talking to him about this, you need to...  Read more

My mom died of cancer about 18 months ago, and she lived with me until the very end, when we put her in a hospice-hospital where she passed away. It was a two-year period of intense care that put strain on both my health and my marriage. I also quit my job to take care of her, but my sister and brother did next to nothing -- not even offer to help financially. Though they live two hours and five hours away, they didn't even come to see her at Christmas. They did show up a few days before her death, and they put on such a show at the funeral that you would have thought they did everything for her. They accepted loads of sympathy from our extended family and my parents' friends, which made me sick -- mostly for my mom.

Now my sister is planning a big family reunion, with matching T-shirts and a rented hall, but I don't want to go and make chitchat and act like nothing happened. My brother called and gave me the "family is important" lecture...  Read more

I have been a part-time caregiver to a woman with Alzheimer's for about six weeks. Her granddaughter is also a caregiver to her. The young woman is in her early 20s and grandma is in her 80s. The lady's doctors have changed some of her medicine due to side effects, and she is becoming less social, wants to stay in bed, and doesn't want to get dressed or take her morning medicines. But the granddaughter is very impatient with her. She feels that she needs to force her grandma to get dressed, and she chases her from room to room, threatening that the family will send her away if she doesn't take her medication. This truly distresses the older woman -- she gets very agitated -- and it upsets me too, as you can imagine.

I am at a loss for what to do. I have discussed this with the girl's mother, and she agrees that the medicine change is causing this new mood and that it's best not to force matters when the grandma feels this way...  Read more

My father died seven years ago, and for quite some time my mother -- who is 90 years old and has a heart condition -- seemed to be coping pretty well. But since she was sick for two months last year, she has seemed lonelier. For the last two to three months, she has been crying frequently and saying how lonely and tired she feels. I don't know what to do except to sympathize. I'm reluctant to try to medicate her feelings away, but I hear her crying at night two or three times a week. She lives in her own house with a hired caregiver during the week, and I'm there from Friday to Monday. The caregiver has also noted her distress. Any insights or suggestions would be welcome.

Unfortunately, elder depression is a sad reality. Your mom has sustained a lot of losses, and her age and physical condition make it especially hard for her to cope. There really is no easy fix to this situation, but here are a few ideas that may help...  Read more

My mother started dating a man about six months after my father died in 2000. She didn't mention it to the family until shortly before she decided to marry him. We urged her to slow down, but she wasn't having any of it. She said to me, "Your father always told me what to do, and you are not about to start." She accused me of just being concerned that she'll spend the large sum of money my father left her, but this was the furthest thing from my mind.

She married the man about three months after they met. I just couldn't attend the wedding, especially after losing my father less than a year before. This put stress on our relationship, and it's gotten worse and worse. Phone conversations are impossible -- she tries to end the conversation as soon as she can, and her husband tries to listen in.

Recently my mother's health issues have landed her in the hospital, close to death, several times...  Read more