How to Deliver a Eulogy for Your Parent

Quick summary

Giving a eulogy for a parent who has recently died isn't easy, but it's something you'll never regret doing. This is your opportunity to celebrate your parent -- and to say good-bye. It's normal to feel some nervousness and apprehension, but remember that people have come to grieve and honor your parent -- not to critique what you've written or evaluate your public speaking skills. With this in mind, try to relax and focus on what you have to say.

Preparing the eulogy

When you write the eulogy, think about your personal vision of your parent. Include the telling details and anecdotes that will help evoke your parent's unique way of moving through the world, and try to avoid clich?s, generalities, and passive language. Reading your first draft aloud will help you identify gaps and misstatements, clear up any confusing areas, and improve the flow.

Delivering the eulogy

If you have performance anxiety, delivering the eulogy may be the hardest part of the whole experience. Try to remember that you're speaking to a friendly audience. This isn't an audition, a popularity contest, or your day in court. Your audience is full of people who cared about your parent -- and who care about you. You'll probably find that your nervousness gradually subsides once your speech is under way.

You may be tempted to rush through your reading, but try to resist the urge. Read slowly, and pause briefly between paragraphs and at the end of any story or poem. Take a glass of water with you to the podium, in case your mouth feels dry, and remind yourself to breathe. Look up between sentences. If you find that making eye contact with individuals in the audience is distracting, focus on a point in the back of the room.

If words fail you

Don't worry if you become choked up or your voice is shaky; no one will judge you for your expression of emotion. However, you may want to designate a friend or relative to be ready to take over if you can't continue.

Eulogy do's and don'ts

• Don't go on too long. Keep the eulogy succinct and to the point.
• Try to stick to the eulogy you wrote and practiced. Unless you're an experienced speaker, adding a new idea at the last minute may cause you to lose the thread of your talk and begin to ramble.
• Be judicious with humor. Although a few jokes can lighten the tone of a memorial service, inappropriate or excessive humor can offend. Remember that you're not there to roast your parent or other guests, and that feelings are likely to be more fragile than usual.
• Remember that it's a eulogy, not a chance to settle scores. If you're angry with your parent for some reason, or you have an ongoing feud with another relative, keep it out of the eulogy. A memorial service is not the time to introduce a bombshell or fan any flames.
• Don't be too hard on yourself. If the eulogy, or your delivery of it, doesn't go over as well as you'd hoped, try not to consider the experience a failure. It's difficult to be at your most creative and eloquent when you've just lost a parent, and no one expects you to be. If you compose and deliver the eulogy with as much sincerity and feeling as you can, it will do the job of honoring your parent, comforting the mourners, and providing you the chance to say thank you, and good-bye.